Alright so here's what happened.
There's been an intermittent network issue on the colocated wetfish server. Yesterday I opened a support ticket with traceroutes and a description of the issue. While I was in there looking at the server configuration, I decided to upgrade the packages on the system. Debian 8 has been out for years now so I figured it'd be good to upgrade from version 7. Unfortunately the VM software I use on the server isn't compatible with Debian 8 so I had to revert the updates. While rolling back the updates, apt decided to remove my VM software. You can imagine my horror as I saw "Virtual container 100 shutting down... Virtual container 101 shutting down... Virtual container 102 shutting down..." scrolling past on my screen.
I literally yelled FUCK FUCK FUCK at my computer screen. I think I was channeling dsockwell.
After about an hour of reading through documentation I figured out how to reinstall all of the software that was removed and that fixed most of the problems. Unfortunately I had also decided to upgrade three of the VMs to use Debian 8 months ago. They had been running fine, but after being rebooted the network was no longer functional. Turns out systemd is incompatible with the kernel version I was using on the hypervisor. Ugh.
I decided it was too risky to try upgrading the kernel, rebooting, and potentially bricking the entire box; so instead I spun up three new VMs and copied all of the files over from the old ones.
Everything is back up and running now except for fishy's databases. So that means greetings, !quote and !metronome are broken at the moment. I'll fix that tomorrow.