Damn, I feel called out. Lmao.(Kidding not kidding). That's a pretty good interpretation, I'd say.
For a long time, I thought I was doing cnc, but I wasn't, because I didnt understand consent. I played into this dynamic you are talking about, for years, but it devolved into self harming at some point along the line. Rather, it's a very confusing game to have been raped and now crave being raped. Non-con for me, while a fetish, is almost an unhealthy addiction at this point.